Welcome all, to the first of many.  Unless we get sued, of course.  This is the Alternative Rich List 2009.  Herein are are our suggestions as to the candidates that deserve inclusion in any good rich list; basically more divorcees, rappers, and fuck-ups.  There are seven of them.  Yea, not a hundred or whatever they normally have.  Are they off the top of my head because I ran out of time?  Maybe.  This is the internet folks.  Find out who made it onto our list after the jump.

7.  Kerry Katona

With net assets of approximately £0.80, Kerry traditionally wouldn’t be lumped in on a rich list like this.  But the fact that she spends like a Russian merits her inclusion.  Between and her husband Mark Croft (a guy who looks like a white Mike Tyson) they enjoy a pretty swift turnover of Lamborghinis, Mercs, Aston Martins, new tits, and, you know, other stuff, like drugs (*allegedly, lawyers).  She was declared bankrupt in August 2008, and then in March of this year announced that she was divorcing Mark, who she alleged had swindled her for her [elusive] piles of cash.  Hmmm.  But they’re back together now, panic over.  There’s presumably a Closer feature in that, so every cloud and all.  The funniest part of this sorry mess was that the divorce announcement was made by Kerry’s “financial advisor” from Celebrity Financial Planning.  Hardly the best plug I could think of.

6 – Soulja Boy Tell Em

Rappers deserve to feature more on these sorts of lists.  I’ve popped Soulja Boy (DeAndre Way) in here, because I can’t help but genuinely admire quite how amazingly rich this man has got by doing a dance and saying “yoooouuuuul” all the time.  Tens of millions in the bank in the space of a year or so, and this man still spends most of his time playing fucking Xbox.  He’s also addicted to obscure manifestations of designer labels – I hear everyone is after his Gucci ankle supports and Louis Vuitton eye patch.  Congratulations, SB, on making our illustrious list, and look out for those Versace ironing boards coming in 2010.

5 – Robyn Gibson

Although she hasn’t got her paws on it yet, thanks to the lack of a prenuptial agreement and Mel Gibson being an insufferable arsehole, Robyn Gibson, the soon-to-be ex-wife of Mel Gibson, could be in for a divorce settlement of $500 million.  Frankly, after 28 years and 7 kids with this douchebag, that would barely cover the emotional distress.  After drunken farting around (generally acceptable), calling a police officer “sugar tits” (bit shakey, but hilarious), blaming the wars of the world on the Jews (*sharp intake of breath*), and The Passion of the Christ (totally unacceptable), Mel may yet redeem himself by parading around with that twenty-something Russian model for a bit.  Well done, anyway, Robyn.

4 – Lil Wayne

Another Rapper, Lil Wayne (Dwane Carter) seemingly needs only to take a shit and it will turn multi-platinum.  Worth reportedly over $100 million, his most recent release sold a million in it’s first week, and any guest spot on a track will guarantee success.  All this from what roughly amounts to gargling.  This man just gargles.  Step into the studio, have a swig of Sunny Delight or whatever, and gargle for 5 minutes or so.  Easy.

3 – Slavica Ecclestone

Another lady who got a divorce granted recently from a total dickface, Slavica Ecclestone may trump Robyn in terms of payout, and has the added value of being more attractive, having a name like a Bond villain, and exposing a height difference so hilarious it belongs in a circus.  Its reported that a large portion of Bernie’s business assets are in her name, and a settlement could be record breaking given Bernie is very comfortably a billionaire.

2 – Sir Fred Goodwin

The erstwhile chief executive of the Royal Bank of Scotland is in here because he presided over a disastrous takeover strategy, leading to the clusterfuck that is RBS’s current situation, yet had the good sense to duck out a month before the shit hit the fan when RBS posted the largest corporate loss in history at £24.1 billion.  Seemingly, Britain (*read the Daily Mail) was up in arms about this guy’s £700,000 pension.  £700,000?  We’re upset about that?  If we operate on the rule that we deny everyone who may not have merited their pension, then the entire UK police force would be roundly fucked.  What annoys me most about this whole situation is the press’ smugness as it dines out on possibly the worst nickname in human history.  “Fred the shred”?  Right up there with “Nasty Nick” from Popstars.

1 – Bernard Madoff

At rightful first place is my man Bernie.  Pleading guity in March of this year to a veritable cheeseboard of fraud (Dragon’s Den anyone?), Madoff may face up to $170 billion in restitution.  And life in prison.  And the loathing of basically the whole world.  Especially the Jewish people.  But not me, even though he owes me a fiver.  Anyone who can operate the most bodacious Ponzi scheme in history, and commit the largest financial fraud by an individual ever deserves my respect.  I mean what is a Ponzi scheme anyway?  Basically a pyramid scheme.  Which is a grown up version of chain letters.  I got wise to those things when I was about 10 years old.  Which, by extension means I would have sniffed out the best executed, longest and most sophisticated fraud in history from fucking miles away.  Well done Bernie on being our number one, and bad luck on being busted.

So there you have it.  Have we made the right choices?