Hello all, Happy Jesusfest.  Important I feel, to remember that this whole bloody thing is celebrating Jesus.  And the time, long ago, when he and Santa were locked in mortal battle for galactic supremacy.  Jesus ended up being frozen in a glacier, only to be unlocked from his watery prison when the giant crabs finally descend from the heavens to reek their final judgement.

Since we’ve last spoken I’ve developed a sinister obsession with what I shall now call “kitchen heroin”.  Seemingly innocuous, but potent enough to default even the most materially contented human being to a total junkie.  Not even a good, glamorous, artistic junkie.  A pathetic consumer of espresso cups, garlic crushers; all that stuff.  And that’s me.  Mugging my own great grandmother for pennies to get my hands on an Alessi milk jug in the shape of a banana.  And my great grandmother has been dead for decades.  I’m almost certain I never even met her.  Who the hell did I rob?

Anyway, Happy Christmas, blah blah blah.  Hope it’s been good and your bowels aren’t completely immolated from the onslaught.  A quick tip to avoiding gastric stress is to develop an addiction, not to kitchen heroin, but to something similar to actual heroin.  Bang, and you’re appetite is gone.  Seasons greetings.