Hello all, Happy Jesusfest.  Important I feel, to remember that this whole bloody thing is celebrating Jesus.  And the time, long ago, when he and Santa were locked in mortal battle for galactic supremacy.  Jesus ended up being frozen in a glacier, only to be unlocked from his watery prison when the giant crabs finally descend from the heavens to reek their final judgement.

Since we’ve last spoken I’ve developed a sinister obsession with what I shall now call “kitchen heroin”.  Seemingly innocuous, but potent enough to default even the most materially contented human being to a total junkie.  Not even a good, glamorous, artistic junkie.  A pathetic consumer of espresso cups, garlic crushers; all that stuff.  And that’s me.  Mugging my own great grandmother for pennies to get my hands on an Alessi milk jug in the shape of a banana.  And my great grandmother has been dead for decades.  I’m almost certain I never even met her.  Who the hell did I rob?

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Well hello there.  This will probably end up being published at around 4:30am GMT so I hope you all appreciate the commitment.  I have no idea what the hell is on TV, but I can hear Chris Moyles in the background (Non-UK readers you can just switch off for a second).  Do go away Moyles, Jesus.  I swear, landmines and child soldiers are funnier than this wretched aneurysm-made-flesh.  So how have you all been?  Me?  You’re desperate to know?  Oh, stop it.  Well, I started working as a janitor in at a top university, even though I felt like I was smarter that most of the students.  Some days I’d see an unfinished equation on a board in the hall, and, you know, I’d just finish it.  Wait, is this the plot of Good Will Hunting?  Nah.  So my best friend is Ben Affleck, and to cut a long story short, I got on with my life and won Minnie Driver back as my girlfriend.  I suppose you’re all waiting for some kind of gadget, or luxury tidbit from the highchair, so here’s something that caught my eye between fractious therapy sessions with Robin Williams.

Read more after the jump.

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Hello internets.  Yes, this is an update as promised.  Frankly, I’m of such low morals that I considered bailing on you totally and running off to Casablanca with a hooker, but my conscience got the better of me.  STUPID CONSCIENCE.  Anyway, in the last week or so, I’ve been reminding myself of how little I know about law (mega-hint: what I’m doing right now relates to law.  Also, I’m not being convicted of a criminal offense.  Yet.)  So what to write about?  What has been going on?  I’ve genuinely disconnected from many if-not-all of the usual outlets I used to rely upon for tips and tid bits.  But I couldn’t help but go into massive grumbling 50-y.o. mode when I read a couple of days ago about the existence of a £1000 train ticket.  Read more after the jump.

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I like to think I’m pretty hot on getting a decent amount of content up on the site 5 days a week.  Last week things were a little slow, and I do feel bad for that.  The thing is, without going into too great a detail, I’m embarking upon something that is going to require a good deal of my energies brain and time-wise, and may not for the time being be able to deliver the startling wit and up-to-the-minute offerings you’re used to.  I mean sure, there are sometimes LOLcats thrown in or I’ll be rambling incoherently, but hey it was more than you’ll be getting now.

As far as what I’m doing that’s so important, I’m reluctant to explain right now, but suffice to say I’m not going to prison, working on an oil rig or sleeping with old ladies for money.  I’ll still be updating the site, rest assured, but it certainly won’t be with the same frequency.  I’ll imagine I’ll use this more and more like therapy and vent spleen.  This considered, it’s more than likely the nature of what I’m doing will reveal itself in due course.  In the mean time, huge thanks to all who read on your support.  Do check back for updates or subscribe if you haven’t already.  Much love.

Things have been super slow on here this week, for which apologies.  I know how you all get when you’re not getting your fix of hilarious commentary and luxury offerings.  I know.  Shhhhhh.  It’s ok.  I know.

Normal programming will resume next week on monday.  Why not treat yourself for the remainder of the week.  I don’t know, go outside or something.

Made of grade-1 titanium, resin, and neodymium (is that a real material?), this Intelligent Design Bluetooth mouse is $1200.  I literally can’t care at all enough to crack wise about it.  It’s not going to change the world.  But, you know, no harm was done either.  Because usually to get in the mood for a snarky post I have to discharge all my feelings of love and compassion by tickling a kitten to death.  Back garden’s looking mighty full about now.  More here.

This is truly fantastic.  Featuring 42-inch LCD TVs and car batteries, these working iPhone Halloween costumes come from two dudes called Reko and John.  Everything in this video makes me smile, from the Euro House soundtrack to the acute self-awareness of the two that this may well be both the very most and least cool thing they’ll ever do.

Sorry thing have been so slow off the mark today.  Spent the entire morning on the phone to HSBC.  As I tried to explain just one of the myriad ironies of the bafflingly contradictory way in which modern banks operate, I swear this woman only understood the word “letter”.  So she concluded the conversation with “So would you like me to send you a letter summarizing what we’ve spoken about today?  Would that be helpful?”  Yes, please.  Can you also explain to me some other things, like what money iz.  Because I don’t understand it.  Nor do I understand law or economics.  In fact I’m a complete retard.  Good job I’ve got you monkeys handling my finances, eh.  Anyway, from the ridiculous to the sublime.  What do pets love more than a good comfy lie down?  That’s right, they love cinema.  Dogs, cats, rabbits, they all love a good movie.  In fact, my friend’s dog, Muffin is going to be reviewing the new Sam Taylor-Wood movie later this week for the site.  Seriously.  Now that I’ve said that, I’ve got to follow through.  This thing is called the CinePetLounger.  As a side note, you shouldn’t be giving a dog popcorn like that, unless you want it to poo what will look like a BMX handle grip.  Read more after the jump.

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I “read” about Marisa Miller quite a bit, and now, you can too!  She’s modeling the 2009 Victoria’s Secret Fantasy Bra, which surely must be the greatest four words ever conceived.  Created by Damiani, the bra his hand set with over 2350 white, champagne and cognac-coloured diamonds in a harlequin pattern.  To people who don’t drink their colours, that’s white, yellow and brown.  Total carat weight?  150 carats.  Price $3 million.  Seeing Marisa Miller wear it?  Priceless.  Happy Friday – VS fantasy bras of years past after the jump.

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The world seems to be going crazy for the new version release of Microsoft’s operating system, which has become the world’s most pre-ordered product ever.  It’s called “Windows”.  To celebrate version 7, they’ve teamed up with Burger King in Japan to release a special edition.  Yea, a burger.  The jokes are just too easy to even consider writing.  If you happen to be in/want to travel to Japan, it costs ¥777 ($8.50), and is 5-inches tall.   Oh, you crazy Japanese.  Why is it a good promotion?  Because it’ll get people on the internet to do this.  O GAIZ TEH JAPANESE CREAT TEH CUTEST THINGS EVAR!  ^_^